After meeting online, Jack and Kristy go on a weekend getaway to the woodlands of rural Missouri. While discovering each other, they soon learn of the terrorizing horrors that the forest has in store.
March 7th, 2017
Since I’m like so many of our loyal readers, and I like to drool over a great ranking of characters or films or cinematic moments – I’m gonna go ahead and rank the forthcoming indie horror film Slasher.com as the worst film I’ve ever seen.
What? What’s that? You want an actual ranking? What other films would be above or below this?
There’s nothing. Truly nothing which is anywhere near (above or below) this dreadful bit of filmmaking – nowhere close to the abysmal quality in EVERY. SINGLE. ASPECT of Slasher.com.
It is truly that bad. Trust me.
There’s a serial killer loose in St. Louis. He’s known for luring unsuspecting (and apparently incredibly idiotic) young women through on-line dating and he then bloodily murders them. We get all of this through an extended opening credits sequence in the guise of a news report. Cut to Jack (Ben Kaplan) and his first face-to-face meeting with an online potential romance named Kristy (Morgan Carter). Things have gone well thus far in their virtual relationship, and so the logical next step is to take a weekend trip to a cabin in the woods (what could possibly go wrong?) Upon their arrival, they meet the family who owns and operates this rural getaway. Headed by Momma (Return of the Living Dead’s Jewel Shepard) and her husband Jesse (R.A. Mihailoff – the title character in Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III), along with their daughter Caitlin (Rebecca Crowley) – they attempt to make this city couple feel to home. But of course, these hicks are nothing more than a shallow take on the Sawyer’s of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise (including a former actor from those tales). Naturally, havoc and blood-letting transpires.
I simply have to be blunt to get things started. This film is garbage. As I’ve said numerous times (far too many for my liking) about so many other terrible films, I generally am able to find (no matter how deeply I must search) something worthwhile in every film.
There’s nothing redeeming here. Nothing at all.
It becomes a question of, “did the filmmakers intend for the piece to be this terrible?” If so, then they also failed at that. Look, if your piece is meant to be seen as terrible – and that was your overall intention, then you need to somehow let the audience in on that little secret – through some sort of “wink, wink” or at the very least, a slight nod to the folks watching your film.
There is no “knowing” look from the filmmakers of Slasher.com to inform us that this is a goofball horror film disguised as sub-par and not meant to be taken so darn seriously.
Which means that the folks behind this film actually expected us to become engaged, frightened and otherwise impressed with what they’ve thrown together to be seen by the general public.
I honestly don’t know where to start, as there are so many painful aspects to this production. Let me pull a piece of paper from a hat. Ah, there we are…
Acting. Ugh. You’ll find nothing redeeming or interesting about any of the performances in Slasher.com. And in this sea of absolutely terrible acting from everyone, you’ll wonder how it could get any worse… that is until Rebecca Crowley takes the screen as Caitlin (the daughter of this backwoods clan). Taking the cake for the worst moment in her performance (hers is an insult to good actors everywhere) is her attempt to seduce Jack. When he throws her to the ground and leaves her in one of the cabins, she flatly calls out that they were meant to be together (or some other such nonsense). I’ve personally been acting in some form or fashion since I was ten years old. And I can say with complete confidence that even my cast-mates (every single one of them) in a production of Pinocchio at a local theatre, were more engaging, authentic and powerful than Ms. Crowley. Just dreadful.
The story is absolutely boring, and nonsensical. In the big leagues of stupid character choices, Kristy goes to the woods with a man she’s just met, knowing there’s a killer on the loose. And that’s where the audience is meant to come on board. Failure, right out of the gate.
The sad attempts at big reveals (I think there were three of them) are painful. First off, when you realize who Jack actually is (you’ll know this immediately, so no gripes about spoilers), it’s already well into the battle he’s taking on against the crazy backwoods family. It was mind-boggling how he went through all of this torture, running around and violence (basically letting it all happen to him) – only to then randomly dig in his trunk to reveal a cache of weapons – which apparently come with some sudden motivation to defend himself. It’s such a stupid shift in the story, you’ll be shaking your head with pure exasperation as the film goes on from there. Then there are two more lame reveals which come out of nowhere. This is writing at its worst. It’s been a day since I screened the film and I’m still shaking my head with disgust at this mess.
The dialogue is so terrible, I lost track of the many inane exchanges. I was hoping to make note of particular scenes where the dialogue was the most lousy, but that became impossible, as it’s all irritatingly bad.
The music is repetitive – basically one theme used over and over, regardless of what’s happening on the screen. So when Kristy and Jack are all lovey-dovey and hiking in the great outdoors, you’ll hear a theme which is then meant to inspire suspense and terror in the film’s later, climactic chase scenes. It’s the same theme.
Technically, there were sound issues all throughout. The mix was poorly done and multiple times I couldn’t even hear what some of the actors were saying. I’ve never had to use my remote control volume buttons so many times in any one screening. But I had no choice as I had to fiddle with the volume to stay informed.
The constant use of a drone (obviously a drone) makes the film even more of a hurdle to overcome. To me, the presence of too many drone shots just shows that the filmmaker is trying to get as much out of the purchase and/or rental of the equipment to make it worth their while. On top of that the footage from the drone is hazy and pixelated.
Inexplicably, the film won numerous “Official Selections” and awards at various film festivals. May I say (and I’ll sound like even more of a jerk than I already do), but why are these filmmakers being given impetus (through awards and festival acceptance) to continue their movie-making careers? They don’t know what they’re doing and anyone who ventures into the fictional worlds they create will come out on the other side with hang-dog expressions, a whole heap of wasted time at their feet and quite frankly, anger and disgust.
I hated this film. And please note that normally for films which I truly despise – they are only allowed to be graded at a 1/2 star (no less) based on how our site operates. Unfortunately, the same goes for this write-up. Don’t mistake this 1/2 star rating as any kind of (even minute) recommendation.
Slasher.com will go down in history as one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. And with that, this biting (and clearly irritated) review will be a record-breaker for my nastiest (and yet richly deserved) comments on any film.
Slasher.com will be released on DVD on March 7th, 2017.