Skin Eating Jungle Vampires
Timothy Green Beckley
Timothy Green Beckley
”(We are) Bringing exploitation back into the movies with this racy saga of the Clitorians – a group of lusty aliens who inhabit a “Lost World” inside a volcano. While they await the arrival of their Dark Lord, the Jungle Vampires stay eternally young by feasting on the flesh, bones and blood of unsuspecting tourists. Their latest conquest is the sweet young, Tiffany, a sorority cheerleader who disappears in the Costa Rican jungle during Spring break. In hot pursuit is her sister, the Beautiful Carla, who is psychically tuned into the younger sibling’s plight and must rescue her before she is digested as jungle stew.”
Here is how I would modify that description of Skin Eating Jungle Vampires:
One day a plastic toy space ship moving in front of pictures of space headed toward a picture of earth. The ship went through some motions meant to imply it crashed into a volcano, and a group of pierced-nipple “ladies” wearing strange headgear and Jane (as in Tarzan) outfits appeared, who made a home in the woods of someone’s Hollywood Hills home and pretended it was a volcano. These “ladies” spent their time clawing at the camera and rubbing their hands all over each other, when they weren’t chasing a chubby girl in a funny hat so they could knock her down and rub their hands all over her too.
Meanwhile the chubby girl’s lesbian lover grew worried that her girlfriend had not returned home from Costa Rica, and after smoking a joint with some guy heads out to find her – after stopping by the rundown home of a loud white trash voodoo witch to get advice. She must find her squeeze before a fat guy with Carrot Top hair takes her girlfriend as his wife.
After the “ladies” open a sack of cow guts (I think real ones) and run them all over each other’s breasts and then dance with snakes and kiss each other, the chubby girl’s lesbian lover finds the group and proceeds to make out with her girlfriend on the ground, while the “ladies” rub their hands all over both of them. Then someone shakes the camera violently so it appears there is a volcano eruption and Skin Eating Jungle Vampires ends… or rather moves on to a series of trailers and alternate scenes, intermixed with bloopers and naked shower scenes.
I’m very sorry for all the spoilers, but if you are game for watching Skin Eating Jungle Vampiresyou’re not going to care. Plus, rest assured, there are many elements of this highly complex and well-developed plot that I haven’t given away… merely scratched the surface.
Skin Eating Jungle Vampires is what it is, and absolutely nothing more. Watch it if you must, but make no mistake… I will deny pointing you in this film’s direction until my dying day.