April 18, 2014
Mark L. Lester
Brian Krause as: Jackson Slate
Anne McDaniels as: Sarah
Steven Helmlkamp as: Rod
Candice Nunes as: Jane
Berne Velasquez as: Henry
Gildon Roland as: Tariq
Our story begins in the ocean waters of Belize, where a man holding an assault rifle sends three men diving into it. They set off explosives which awaken a huge prehistoric creature. Subsequently, two of the men are eaten, while the third one (Brian Krause) is knocked out by the blast and ends up floating in the water. Soon after, a young couple named Rod and Jane (Steve Helmkamp and Candice Nunes) are scuba diving with a guide when they find the man, and all three of them take him back to the couple’s room to help him. They are joined by a busty marine biologist named Sarah (Anne McDaniels). When, he does come through, we learn that his name is Jackson Slate, and after some initial reluctance tells them that he owes a gangster named Tariq (Gildon Roland) money, and that he told him that he would pay him off with the Spanish treasure that he has been hunting for in a deep sea pit.
Having been knocked out before the monster ever awakened, Jackson Slate doesn’t know the horror that waits under the sea, and he asks his new friends if they want to join him in resuming the treasure hunt. They all agree, minus Jane, who is none too happy that her boyfriend is going with them. The four head off into the guide’s boat to look for the treasure. In the meantime, Tariq has sent his men after Slate. They see him with his current group, and Tariq orders his men to get the gold and kill them all. Soon, though our heroes realize that they are dealing with a far bigger threat, as the awakened prehistoric beast, dubbed ‘Poseidon Rex’ by Sarah, is attacking and killing everyone and everything in its’ path. The creature also happens to have a nest full of large eggs on the ocean floor below.
Poseidon Rex is a truly awful and derivative piece of prehistoric crap. Though, I suppose, that credit should be given to a film that manages to rip-off two Steven Spielberg genre movies in one, Jaws and Jurassic Park. In all honesty, this is SyFy channel-level stupidity, low budget, empty headed movie making at its’ worst. In fact it’s so cheaply made, that it has one song that it is used at the title, then played on a boat, then used one more time again. It is a clearly evident that this they couldn’t afford the royalties for a second song.
The script is poor, lazy, and adds nothing new, good, or positive to the giant monster movie universe. It is filled with uninteresting and flat characters whose only purpose is to look good, scream, run, shout, and do little else. This is in no way helped by the piss-poor acting, which is delivered flat, amateurish, and listlessly. These performances are best summed up best by a scene where soldiers in the military look and and react laughably to the monster, which they see on their computer screen. Another great way to sum up the bad acting is in Miss. McDaniels, who looks like a Playboy Playmate and has about the same acting ability one would expect from a random Playboy Playmate. She is utterly unbelievable in her role as a marine biologist, though, it is possible her big boobs could serve as a flotation device. Maybe that was enough of a qualification for her to study marine life.
Accompanying the horrible acting is the terrible dialogue, which includes such winners as two random lines:
“If you go on that dive I will be very upset!”
“These are dinosaur footprints.” (Said it in a very matter-of-fact sort of way)
Then there is this exchange, that will surely make your head shake:
“I’m not crazy, but that’s a big ass egg!”
“You’re not crazy”
Or, how’s about this winning exchange, as Jane rejects the advances of some dude on a boat:
“This party is over!”
“The party has the end sometime, doesn’t it?!”
Well you get the idea.
Despite having a running time of about 80 minutes, Poseidon Rex feels much longer thanks to the flat directing from Mark L. Lester. It almost seems as though he was asleep through most of the making of the movie. There is none of the exciting, over-the-top, violent, non-stop action featured in films that he made in the past, like Commando or even Showdown in Little Tokyo. The movie leads into a terribly unexciting climax and an absolutely horrible ending, which will only serve to piss the audience off further. By the time you get to that, you will be wondering why you wasted your time with this film. The film at least has some nice underwater scenery… So, it does earn itself that bit of faint praise, but little else.
The FX in this one are terrible. The CGI is as awful as most of these kinds of films tend to have. There is some gore including spilled blood, amputations, wounds, and even an exploding head, but all are done with truly crappy computer effects or fake looking and cheap makeup. Not only is the gore unsatisfactory, but there isn’t even any nudity from any of the female cast, though they do look great in bikinis and short shorts.
In all, this is a far cry from fan favorites that Lester made ages ago like Class of 1984 or its’ wild sequel Class of 1999. Hell, it’s not even Firestarter, for that matter. But, hey he also madePterodactyl, and this movie is more clearly made in that mold. Stupid and pretty much a fail on every level, this one ultimately sucks every bit as much as you thought it would.