February 19, 2013
Molly C. Quinn as Gretel
Lara Lynn Boyle as Anges
Lochlyn Munro as Officer Ritter
Michael Welch as Hansel
Sancho Martin as Hacky Sack Dance Player
Andrew James Allen as Ashton
What is it about Hansel and Gretel these days? Those two little tykes linger around in seldom-considered fairytale land for decades, and suddenly they get modern firearms and lots of CGI ala Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and knock off films come out of the woodwork. The Asylum had their pitch with Hansel & Gretelstarring Dee Wallace, and now we have Hansel & Gretel Get Baked to appeal to the elements of drug culture among us. The ads for Hansel & Gretel Get Baked proclaim that the film is made by the producers of Twilight, which isn’t quite a selling point for horror freaks generally, but in spite of the fact that films based on stupid pot jokes are unappealing to all but the most under-the-influence among us, this film has a few great surprises.
Gretel (Molly C. Quinn) is a pothead, and along with her boyfriend Ashton (Andrew James Allen) has come across some bud most kind, called “Black Forest”. There is an old woman in town that sells this savory herb, and it produces the most incredible high while maintaining a smoothness that doesn’t elicit a single cough. This old lady has a secret though, as Ashton finds out when he ventures to her house in search of a replenished stash. The old woman is a witch who eats the flesh of the young, and then sucks the youth out of them and takes it as her own… until she gets hungry again.
In spite of the lame marijuana foundation for this story, Hansel & Gretel Get Baked is surprisingly good. If you think about it, most kids today would not be particularly lured to their doom by cupcakes and candy – the modern candy is of the herbaceous variety. So, it’s not particularly far fetched that this witch should grow magic bud, “the candy of the new millennium”. As much as some may see this reality as evidence of the cultural decline of the United States that signals the ruin of civil society as we know it, the reality is that drug culture will continue until every last participant is wasting away in a drug induced stupor wondering why the world deals them so many crummy hands. Viva Occupy Wallstreet.
Anyway, with the “candy and cakes” there to draw the young to the old woman’s lair she has many opportunities to dine, and stays young looking through most of the presentation. The effects are good yet not overdone, and the gore is pretty good too. All in all this is a very enjoyable film that keeps the pace and remains interesting.
The real stand out in this feature is the evil witch Agnes, played by Lara Flynn Boyle. Flynn Boyle has had an active movie career in films starting with Poltergeist III in 1988 and including Wayne’s World, The Road to Wellville and Men in Black II. She is best known for her recurring role in Television’s “The Practice” and the short lived series “Las Vegas”. Lara Flynn Boyle is not the typical actress one would imagine starring in a cannibalistic witch in a pot-themed horror movie, which makes her participation all the more joyful. Flynn Boyle also serves as associate producer for the film.
Whether you are one who is drawn to this film because of the title and obvious drug reference, or would generally take this kind of set-up as a reason to run for the hills, Hansel & Gretel Get Bakedis most definitely worth a watch. This film has camp, gore, stupid drug references, flayings alive and killer dogs – not to mention the most amazing indoor pot-growing mecca ever conceived.