American Horror Story: Hotel Episode 9,
Will Drake and The Countess say their vows while Ramona attempts to destroy The Countess once and for all.
December 9, 2015
Lady Gaga as The Countess
Kathy Bates as Iris
Sarah Paulson as Sally
Evan Peters as James Patrick March
Wes Bently as John Lowe
Matt Bomer as Donovan
Chloe Sevigny as Alex Lowe
Denis O'Hare as Liz Taylor
Cheyenne Jackson as Will Drake
Angela Bassett as Ramona Royale
Special Guest Stars:
Finn Wittrock as Rudolph Valentino
Mare Winningham as Hazel Evers
Alexandra Daddario as Natacha Rambova
Anton Lee Starkman as Max Ellison
Lyric Lennon as Lachlan Drake
The learning curve at the Hotel Cortez seems to be pretty damn steep. The Countess, with her years of experience and skill (as well as a heart the size of a cubic zirconia) has allowed her to be leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else. Sure, she didn’t realize her husband locked up her lovers for over 100 years, but that was when she was young and naïve. She can see betrayal coming from a mile away, she can smell it, even taste it (remember? It tastes like charred meat). Meanwhile everyone else is bumbling around like the Three Stooges ignoring all of The Countess’s bloody handwriting on the wall.
Iris, on the other hand, is slipping into her new life like Liz Taylor in a sequined gown. When a couple of amateur porn stars come (no pun intended) to shoot a film at the Cortez, she does away with them with a sharp knife and a simple: “Douchebags.” Donovan is even a little impressed.
Oh, Donovan. Sad Sack Donovan. He’s back with The Countess. Sure, she’s about to get married to Will Drake, and sure she told him to get out, but what they have is real. I would say The Countess must have magical star pasties on her nipples that gyrate hypnotically whilst she rides him, but Donovan is such a wet blanket I don’t think she even needs to bother. The Countess doesn’t need her gypsy pasties for Donovan, the dollar store stickers will do just fine.
When Donovan goes back to Ramona he tells her he put GHB in her drink and tonight is the night they go kill her, but first they have a little flashback while sharing exsanguinated pornstar. It’s a sad story, Ramona returns to her family after her falling out with The Countess, and loses her mother. Her father is circling the drain of dementia and she hopes the blood virus can bring him back.
Unfortunately, the blood virus heals cuts and wounds, but it can’t reverse the misfired synapses of Alzheimer’s. Her father stops aging, his brain stops deteriorating, but Ramona knows that’s no way to live. One day she gives him a Xanax and drowns him in the bathtub. Twenty years have passed, streaming video has made her popular and people are recognizing her in the street from her old movies! Now I know your first thought is: “Didn’t anyone realize she hadn’t aged since those movies?” And to that I just say:
With her reinvigorated fame, Ramona wants her life back, but she wants revenge first (EPISODE TITLE REFERENCE). Unfortunately, she’s been out of the acting game for far long. She doesn’t even notice Donovan’s poor non-union acting and falls into the trap he and The Countess have set for her. They lock her up in the forgotten hallway, but she won’t be alone for long.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town The Lost Boys, and girls, of P.S. 666 have killed off all their parents as well as a bunch of homeless people and a pizza delivery boy. Alex tries to convince them to come back to the hotel so she can help them but they don’t need no stinkin’ adults. If only their teacher had gotten around to teaching Lord of the Flies before being eaten alive.
The Countess has also hired a private investigator to track down Natacha and Valentino. She sends Natacha off with her AMEX while she and Valentino have a little alone time. She comes clean with Valentino, she only loved Natacha because she loved him. If she had it her way, and again the years have taught her she can, she would have taken her out of the picture long ago.
And finally, the big day has arrived. The Countess has married Will Drake at a very private ceremony in which she and Liz Taylor volley insults to each other like you and your Donald Trump supporting family member at Thanksgiving dinner. The interactions between Liz Taylor and The Countess have been some of my favorite moments this season, especially after Tristan’s death. The difference between the characters is brilliantly shown in how they insult each other. While Liz is blunt and tells her ‘you’re a bitch and you can go to hell,’ The Countess is more cool and calculated, throwing shade that could go unnoticed by those who don’t know her. The biggest and most painful insult: when she hands the bouquet to Liz after her nuptials and says, “I hope this helps you find true love.” A simple phrase, dripping with poison.
Unfortunately for Will, there is no honeymoon. JPM shows up to toast the newlywed at the hotel bar while The Countess packs, then the two take a little trip to Room 33 to see Baby Bartholomew. Will Drake, so superficial and only caring about looks, insults Bartholomew’s poor little cleft pallet and The Countess just isn’t having any more of it. She locks him up with Ramona, who slits his throat and damns him to an unfulfilling afterlife at the Hotel Cortez. I would say I’m happy Will Drake is finally dead and maybe that storyline is as well, but we all know what happens when people die on American Horror Story. Basically nothing.
While there was a lot packed into this episode (I didn’t even get to mention Hazel Evers’ prophetic smile while Will Drake bled to death) did anything really happen to advance the plot? It seems as though we are gearing up for a Valentino/Countess double cross (could you really be locked up with one person for over 100 years and not be loyal to them?) but other than Will Drake dying and Ramona being locked up what else happened? We are taking some Bartholomew sized baby steps toward the finale and it still feels like there is story to tell. Something’s got to be done about the Vamp Kids, John has to finish his life’s work (unfortunately), The Countess has to find happiness and now deal with estate lawyers (this storyline is turning into the plot of A Series of Unfortunate Events… Countess Olaf). Will Ramona escape? Is Donovan going to realize he’s whiny a loser? Is Sally ever going to stop crying? Will Liz Taylor get control of the Hotel? And where the hell is Alex and John’s daughter?
Gaga continues her now Golden Globe nominated performance.
Iris and the Porn Star Bloodbath
Liz Taylor and The Countess star in: "Bitchfest 2015"
The return of the Vampire Children of the Damned
Thou shalt be thankful there was no Ten Commandments plotline this week!
Baby steps in terms of plot momentum
Donovan, you suck.
We get it, Ryan Murphy, you like muscly men with dark hair, brooding eyes, and a jawline that can cut glass. How about some diversity next season?