Let’s get something out of the way right now: not every hunk on this list was a murderer in his horror flick. Some of my Horror Hunks aren’t necessarily murderers: he’s a survivalist, adrift in a horror ocean or he’s the horrendous result of a science experiment gone wrong or he’s the victim of a severely haunted house. But one thing they all have in common is that each of them, in his own special way, is a Horror Hunk.
#15 David Naughton ‘An American Werewolf in London’
It is a crime against horror that David Naughton didn’t manage to attain a higher level of fame after this movie came out. He somehow manages to be hot as a human, sexy as a werewolf AND somehow appealing during the horrible, awkward in-between phase. Being able to pull off a feat like that is akin to being able to get through junior high (or middle school for you younger readers) without winding up in gawky clothes and/or a bad hairstyle. I’m not much for the furry guys, but for David, I’d make an exception.
#14 Sam Neill ‘Possession’
This movie isn’t exactly on a whole lot of Great Horror Movie lists. Its categorization as a horror film has been debated for 25 years now. For me, there’s enough gore and death to solidly classify it as a horror film. Like many of the other Horror Hunks on this list, Sam looks sexy all covered in blood, which is no easy task. Beyond that, he has a way of piercing the viewer with his crazed stare. I swear I can feel that stare deep within my soul. Sam’s evil doppelganger can kill me anytime he wants (especially if we can recreate that electric knife scene).
#13 Woody Harrelson ‘Zombieland’
There aren’t enough sexy zombie killers who wear cowboy hats. Luckily for me, Woody makes up for this distinct lack by being my number 13 Horror Hunk. In ‘Zombieland’, he’s a little sardonic, a little dangerous, a little seductive and a lot sizzling hot. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s seriously addicted to Twinkies, that gloriously phallic dessert. He manages to be heroic and hot, which means that this girl wouldn’t mind a little horror homicide being thrown her way by Tallahassee himself.
#12 Norman Reedus ‘The Walking Dead’
Yes, I know that just about every woman in America would put Norman Reedus on this list. But that’s because he clearly deserves to be here. He’s smart, sexy, resourceful, sexy, sensitive and oh…sexy. He’s a bad boy with a softer side and also knows how to kill the crap out of some zombies and look good doing it. He’s succeeded in staying alive in one of the more difficult zombie apocalypses out there. While I’d much rather spend lots of time with Daryl Dixon warding off walkers, I would be okay with being a zombie who finally meets her undoing at the end of one of his arrows.
#11 Liev Schreiber ‘Scream 2’
Is Liev the killer in ‘Scream 2’? Or is he just a wildly misunderstood anti-hero? We have no idea and really, who cares when you’re staring at that slightly narcissistic grin of his? Liev stays alive, clears his name, helps defeat the killers and winds up with exactly what he wants. That doesn’t happen very often in the world of horror (chances are if you really want something in a horror movie, you’re going to wind up very, very dead). His ability to do the aforementioned means that he lands quite close to the Top 10. I’d be willing to be the bad guy in any movie if it meant that Liev could be the one who takes me out.
#10 Cillian Murphy ’28 Days Later’
The zombie genre has seen a deep, intense love as of late. A solid argument can be made that ’28 Days Later’ is at least partially responsible for giving all things George A. Romero a second wind. Would the movie have been as successful if it weren’t for Cillian’s blistering portrayal of Jim? I highly doubt it. Cillian is brave and vicious, a delectable combination. I definitely wouldn’t mind being dispatched to the land of the undead by Mr. Murphy.
#9 Simon Baker ‘Land of the Dead’
For just a moment, let’s set aside the fact that Simon is ludicrously sexy. In ‘Land of the Dead’, he also has a moral compass. He has smarts. He’s resourceful. He saves a hooker. He flees to Canada. Even if this movie wasn’t an impressive zombie apocalypse movie, Simon is already a splendid action movie hero. Throw in some zombies being killed (and interestingly enough, zombies being understood and left alone) and he works his way in the Top 10.
#8 Craig T Nelson ‘Poltergeist’
Steven Freeling is just your average suburban dad. He isn’t an action hero, he’s not a secret spy. He just goes to work and comes home and does it again the next day. Well, until the day that a poltergeist decides to wreak some havoc on his household. He winds up being brave. Being smart. Looking quite tasty with his shirt off. Granted, he doesn’t actually murder anyone. But you can tell that when he puts his hands around the neck of his boss, he’s definitely got it in him to kill. I’d be willing to toss myself up as an improperly buried skeleton to have him get his hands around me.
#7 Christian Bale ‘American Psycho’
Patrick Bateman is completely nutso. He’s conceited, he’s self-centered, he’s a murderous, Machiavellian nightmare come to life. He’s also devastatingly handsome. And quite the creative and determined killer. Looking beyond his fantastic wardrobe and immaculate grooming, he has great taste in music. I’d much rather be taken out by this stupendous example of a man than by some faceless killer in the night.
#6 James Brolin ‘The Amityville Horror’
It is entirely possible that James is sporting a perm in this movie. Is he, isn’t he… who can tell. But the simple fact of the matter is that he looks hot as all get out either way. He’s also got that whole lumberjack thing going for him, which never hurts the cause. Furthermore, James’s role as George Lutz cost him movie roles, since he was so convincing as a man possessed. Now that is commitment, and as every girl knows, commitment is sexy.
#5 Tom Hiddleston ‘Crimson Peak’
Tom is a lady-killer. Literally. He’s dark and brooding and smart and evil and British. It’s pretty difficult to find a more appealing combination in a movie murderer. Plus there’s something quite appealing about a murderer who eventually grows a conscience and protects the girl he’s in love with, even if that girl isn’t his sister. There’s something so satisfying about dying a tragic, early death in an old English manor, done in by my love. There are some great ways to die in horror, but this is definitely the most romantic one.
#4 Jeff Goldblum ‘The Fly’
As mentioned in a previous article, I want Jeff Goldblum to be involved in my demise. It wouldn’t even have to be horror movie-related. As long as the last thing I see is his brown eyes, whether those eyes are his or those of his monstrously wonderful alter-fly-ego, I’ll be a happy girl. To be fair, Mr. Goldblum becomes pretty gross as the movie continues, but oh…the scenes in which he’s wearing no shirt, those scenes make up for it.
#3 Gregory Peck ‘The Omen’
What can I say? I have a soft spot in my horror heart for a classic screen hero. Robert Thorn is responsible for a long line of Fathers Willing to Kill. Of course, Robert has to dispatch his adopted son who’s also the Antichrist. But still, he’s willing to do it. He also kills a nanny, offering up a solid piece of evidence that’s he’s capable of killing if necessary. He’s also successful and dignified and sexy in a way that’s hard to find in today’s films. I don’t necessarily want to indicate a willingness to make a deal with the devil in order to be killed by Gregory Peck, but it is tempting.
#2 Cary Elwes ‘Saw’
I’m always honest and fully admit that Cary’s eyes like the sea after the storm may have every so slightly influenced his spot on this list. Cary’s Dr. Gordon might not seem like he’s capable of being a murderer, but I wouldn’t discount anyone who is capable of cutting off his own foot. Don’t forget that he’s also suspected of being the Jigsaw Killer by one of the main cast members. Clearly Cary is capable of some murder and mayhem. I’d hope that, if my impending cinematic death were imminent, I’d meet Dr. Gordon with his oh-so-handy saw.
#1 Bruce Campbell ‘Evil Dead’, ‘Evil Dead 2’, ‘Army of Darkness’
I really don’t see how anyone else could top this list. It’s impossible. How could you not want to be killed by Ash?! Forget being killed by the one and only Bruce Campbell, I’d be content to die in a movie that starred him even if we never shared screen time. Heck, the possessed tree can take me out and I’ll still be happy. Ash kills, he time travels, he rescues damsels in distress, he cuts off his own hand (apparently those willing to dismember themselves hold a special place with me), he replaces his hand with a chainsaw. As monumental as all of those things are, they pale in comparison to Ash having his shirt off. If there are any horror gods reading this, please let me be a possessed girlfriend of Ash. I have my own shovel and everything.
I know the horror movie odds. I’ve seen enough blonde girls slashed in movies that I know it just isn’t likely that I’m ever getting out of any movie alive. All I can do is hope that I have the good fortune to be murdered by any one of these 15 men. Each is appealing in his own way and I’d be happy to be stabbed, sawed into pieces, eaten, chopped up or shoveled in the head by any one of them.