Christian Piers Betley
Katharine Isabelle as Megan
Michael Shanks as Tomkins
Brendan Fehr as Daniel
Brendan Fletcher as Josh
Nick Moran as Larry Jefferson
Katharine Isabelle’s name in 13 Eerie is Megan. I know this only because I looked it up on IMDb. The other characters have names too but I don’t care. I made up names for the killer zombies in this movie though: Paul, Andrew and Abigail. I didn’t really care about them much either but I had to find a way of keeping myself awake during the snoozefest that is 13 Eerie.
Six forensic undergrads travel to an abandoned island where they are to spend a night investigating custom-made crime scenes that will test their various skills. Split up into pairs, they are competing for 2 trainee forensic positions. Each scene containing a corpse borrowed from a morgue, the pairs had to treat each staged crime scene as the real thing under the watchful eye of Tomkins who is keeping tabs on them via CCTV. Unbeknownst to the students and even their professor, the island holds a terrible secret. Lifer prisoners had horrific experiments done on them and the remnants of those experiments remain. Three of those experiments have been lying dormant on the island, just waiting for human flesh to chow down on.
Have you seen a running zombie movie in the last 10 years or so? Then you’ve seen most of what 13 Eerie has to offer. Outside of a novel if very silly premise where these students have to investigate staged crime scenes, there’s very little to see here. Perhaps you recognize Katharine Isabelle from the cult fave Ginger Snaps (and Ginger Snaps 2 and…. Ginger Snaps 3) and Michael Shanks from his long run on Stargate SG-1. I get the feeling that the makers of this movie are hoping you do because there is barely a single line of dialog spoken by any character that’s worth a damn. Yes this is one of those wonderful movies where you’re stuck watching boring, stupid characters do dull and uninteresting things and having tedious conversations waiting to see who gets their guts torn out and eaten. Luckily when Paul, Andrew and Abigail do show up things do get slightly more entertaining. Some time is spent on some decent gore as fingers are bitten off, throats are chewed up and guts were dug out and gobbled up. They tried to do a little something with these zombies too, their skin is blackened as if they have been burned which means some effort went into the makeup effects. There are a couple of good gore scenes too, as predictable as some of them might be.
Unfortunately this is all taking place during one day and eventually night falls and things get reeeaaaallllly dark which makes the antagonists almost impossible to see. This makes the climax of the movie particularly troublesome because I could barely see what the hell was going on. Unfortunately there just isn’t enough gore or interesting characters or situations to prop up what is a really lousy script. There’s a real doozy of a Checkov’s gun where one of the characters is shown to be claustrophobic early in the movie. So there’s going to be a scene later on where he either dies because of his claustrophobia or overcomes it right? I mean come on, you want suspense and a scary situation? You set it up in the script! But *SPOILER!* nope, it never comes up again. Katharine Isabelle’s character becomes an ass-kicking survivalist on demand. Why? Because she’s the one hot girl that you might have seen in another horror movie, that’s why. This movie just isn’t scary, there’s no atmosphere or sense of menace or peril, just boring people dying in gory but still kinda boring ways in boring places.
Few lazy horror tropes go unused and it just goes to show that you can’t just have a novel setup that just leads to the rest of the movie being the usual zombie fodder. Katharine Isabelle fans will be happy to see her I suppose and if you absolutely cannot get enough of zombies chewing on guts then you have some more gore to enjoy. Everybody else can safely skip this one.